There are Jews in the world,
     There are Buddhists,
     There are Hindus and Mormons and then,
     There are those that follow Mohammed,
     But I've never been one of them...
     I'm a Roman Catholic,
     And have been since before I was born,
     And the one thing they say about Catholics,
     Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm...
     You don't have to be a six-footer,
     You don't have to have a great brain,
     You don't have to have any clothes on -
     You're a Catholic the minute Dad came...
     Because...
     Every sperm is sacred,
     Every sperm is great,
     If a sperm is wasted,
     God gets quite irate.
Children: Every sperm is sacred,
     Every sperm is great,
     If a sperm is wasted,
     God gets quite irate.
Child: [solo] Let the heathen spill theirs,
     On the dusty ground,
     God shall make them pay for,
     Each sperm that can't be found.
Children: Every sperm is wanted,
     Every sperm is good,
     Every sperm is needed,
     In your neighbourhood.
Mum: [solo] Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
     Spill theirs just anywhere,
     But God loves those who treat their
     Semen with more care.
Men neighbours: [peering out of toilets]
     Every sperm is sacred,
     Every sperm is great,Women neighbours:
 [on wall]
     If a sperm is wasted,
Children: God get quite irate.Priest:
 [in church] Every sperm is sacred,
Bride and Groom: Every sperm is good.
Nannies: Every sperm is needed.
Cardinals: [in prams] In your neighbourhood!
Children: Every sperm is useful,
     Every sperm is fine,
Funeral Cortege: God needs everybody's,
First Mourner: Mine!
Lady Mourner: And mine!
Corpse: And mine!
Nun: [solo] Though the pagans spill theirs,
     O'er mountain, hill and plain,
Various artefacts in a Roman Catholic Souvenir Shop:
     God shall strike them down for
     Each sperm that's spilt in vain.
Everybody: Every sperm is sacred,
     Every sperm is good,
     Every sperm is needed,
     In your neighbourhood.
Even more than everybody, including two fire-eaters, a juggler, a
clown at a piano and a stilt-walker riding a bicycle:
     Every sperm is sacred,
     Every sperm is great,
     If a sperm is wasted,
     God gets quite irate.
          [Everybody cheers (including the fire-eaters, the
          juggler, the clown at the piano and the stilt-walker
          riding the bicycle). Fireworks go off, a Chinese dragon
          is brought on and flags of all nations are unfurled
          overhead.]